Friday, October 16, 2009

Bringing the Funny

I recently discovered The Best of Craig's List. Here are a selection of my favorites:

Level 72 Paladin Seeking 42+ Rogue, Druid, and Sorceress - m4ww

I am seeking a level 42 or above rogue, druid, and sorceress to help me assault the fortress of Mordria, and for hot kinky sex. I am the sole holder of the Axe of Fragyholt and am a level 72 Paladin equipped with Def+ 52 plate mail. I also have a really big penis. I can cast Magic Missile, Icebolt, and am a fairly skilled at cunnilingus. Indeed, Orcs and Goblins are no match for me, not unlike your unsuspecting genitalia, which shall recieve a thrashing, the likes of which have been only whispered in hushed voice in times of darkness. I have a lot of experience, both with annihilating ogres, and the finer points of pleasuring fair maidens, and like to be beaten with wet towels. I live at home with Mother, and you will have to sneak in through the basement window. This partnership boasts many advantages, such as an unlimited supply of Cheetos and Mountain Dew, and hot, steamy, hanky-panky with my massive member. Comic book lovers a plus.

I appreciate how this '72 Paladin effortlessly weaves in the details of his on line and real analog life. Juxtaposing "fortress of Mordria" and "hot kinky sex" allows us to understand that success in World of War Craft will be a thrashing. Yes, we all deserve a good spanking! But remember to be silent, or Mother will be cross...

How could you pass up being with this for the rest of your life?

I lost your number - m4w

hey, I don't wanna plaster your name all over here, so I'll just use your initials. JS, I lost your number and would really like to get a hold of you. I hope you check this part of craigslist, I know you use CL b/c that's how we met. to refresh and so you're sure of who I am and that I'm talking about you. I met you off of CL for some FWB actions. We had a wild first night. It just got crazier from there, we helped each other broaden our horizons. We tried outdoor stuff a lot of role play (you love the rough stuff) that one night that we didn't have a condom we should have refrained. You missed your period and I talked you into getting rid of it. You were a little mad at yourself, and yes, me too.

But anyways, I'd really like to get back in touch. You still owe me 75 bucks for your half of the procedure, plus we could probably fool around some more.

The very definition of a keeper.  For those of you confused by the abbreviations, let me clarify:  FWB is "Friends With Benefits," a casual sexual relationship.  The 'Friends' part is open to interpretation, obviously, as this sounds more like a "Strangers with Benefits" operation to me.  But I think an unplanned pregnancy could count as broadening one's horizons.

To my cockroach ex-wife

Dear Whore of Lucifer:

I have recently enrolled in a 12-step program for people whose lives were decimated and finances ruined by lawyer bills when their spouses filed for divorce after finding someone else to fuck and run off with. I am currently up to Step 8: Willingness to Make Amends. As such, I apologize for the following recent transgressions:

Told the drunk at the bar who wanted a Red-Headed Slut that he's more than welcome to you if that general contractor douchebag is done with you.

Annoyed the staff at several hospitals by calling to see if they had any fresh organ donors on hand with a heart suitable to replace your cold, dead one.

Demanded a refund from Southwest Airlines because I tried to get you on one of their planes but they refused to let my bag fly free as advertised in their TV commercials.

Scrawled your cell number in the stall of the john of the bar at the American Legion post down the street with an offer of free prostate exams for all veterans 65 and older.

Told my neighborhood U.S. Marine Corps recruiter that I knew the exact location of the dank, hopeless cave Osama Bin Laden was hiding in and provided the GPS coordinates to your pants.

Lit several offering candles at your church with prayers that karma would hurry its ass up and come around to you while I was still alive to see it.

For these things, my dear handmaiden of Satan, I make my amends. I'd still love to see your head squeezed in a vice until your eyeballs squirt out of their sockets, but I have to go along with the program.
 I wish all break ups were this awesome.  This falls somewhere between Passive-Aggressive and YOU MAKE ME TOUCH YOUR HANDS FOR STUPID REASONS.

re: bisexuals

Lesbians like sushi and bisexuals like hot dogs and sushi. Lesbians would never be interested in eating hot dogs. A lesbian can eat sushi all day every day and never consider hot dogs. In fact, lesbians can never eat too much sushi. A bisexual can go without sushi, then really miss the feel and taste of sushi, because there is nothing like sushi. Then they go out and get some sushi. They swear they can go without hot dogs, because sushi is so much better. They start to eat sushi all day every day. The lesbian continues to do the same.

Then one day the sushi is a little stale and the bisexual remembers how hot dogs are different. She didn't have that problem with hot dogs, at least not that she can remember. Eating hot dogs was easier and less complicated. The lesbian does not start to crave a hot dog when this happens. The lesbian knows she only likes sushi, so even though it got stale, she is still focused only on the sushi. She wants the sushi to get better, because she knows really great sushi is hard to find. The bisexual won't try as hard to figure out why the sushi got stale. Sooner or later she will do what is easier. She will go out for a hot dog. There are hot dogs on every corner and she knows she'll have a few to choose from soon enough. Perhaps she will just have hot dogs for a long time or will try some hot dog rolls or sushi dogs. This is why I prefer lesbians. The only problem is that they may go out for some completely different sushi, thinking that the new sushi will be different. But at least they are aren't out eating hot dogs.

Sexuality: it does not work how you think it works. Also, never eating hot dogs OR sushi ever again. I'm sticking to hand-rolls. (Whatcha gonna do with THAT?)

And one to grow on...

Planned Parenthood protestors - w4m

I was having trouble finding the clinic Saturday morning, but then I saw you guys waving your signs around, and I knew exactly which exit to take.

I made it to my abortion with five minutes to spare. Keep up the good work!

Wow. The protesters have a redeeming quality? This means I have to reevaluate everything I know about the world...

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